I’m struggling these days, lost in a vortex of fear and doubt. God all of a sudden seems gone from my life, the constructs I’ve carried exposed as false. I’ve swung in the pendulum of faith and doubt many times. This is different. This doesn’t feel like a pendulum swing, with its concomitant swing back. This feels like a swing right off the edge of the map. I’m channeling the shock our forbears experienced when they traded an earth-based universe for one that revolves around the sun. All of a sudden my place in the center of things doesn’t seem so assured anymore. I don’t know that there’s a greater power interested in relationship with me.
I advise people to ask, to reach out to that beyond themselves and ask if it exists. Are you real, God? Is there anything there beyond my own imaginings? My therapist talks about One Mind, the collective unconscious to which we all have access. What am I accessing in this time of doubt? Where is awareness of the unified field of being I call God? Is there such a field, or is there only this, this material universe and our brief time in it?
I had a powerful dream a couple of nights after my mother died. She came walking out of the purple hills singing, sprinkling seeds across the earth. I recognized the image right away: the Corn Maiden of Southwest Indian lore, seeding the earth from a basket she carries in her arms. There was also an echo of the Narnia stories I loved as a child, where Aslan sings the world into existence. The meaning, to me, was clear. She was telling me about life, that this is what life is, that we create it from our own intentions, that we seed it with our dreams.
That’s a powerful responsibility. And amazingly freeing at the same time. The notion that we’re in charge — that we somehow partner in creating these rich, painful, beautiful lives — changes things. Yes, I’m using the word partner, because the prayer I expressed above has born fruit. I’ve connected again with a sense of Presence beyond anything we can ever put into words, a presence far beyond the fevered manipulations of our minds. It’s there, and we are part of it, and we are called to seed the earth with our collective love.
We are the final authority we seek, the meaning we are searching for. We create that meaning in our caring for one another, in the way we treat the planet and all its creatures, in our art. That which is God sings through us into creation. What are we going to create?